Poltergeist (2015)

"They're here..."

Because everyone was crying out for a 'Poltergeist' remake? Is that why they're here? Because I don't know anyone who was asking for a 'Poltergeist' remake...

A family must come together to rescue their youngest daughter after a group of evil spirits take her hostage.

Just when you thought it was a slow year for horror movies, 'Poltergeist' comes along... and makes it worse.

My expectations are always hopelessly low when sitting down to watch a remake of a horror film, it's a sad fact but it's unavoidable. About 90% of the time you get exactly what you expect... a heap of garbage. However, on the rare occasion, you do get something great. My last experience of this was the 2013 remake 'Evil Dead' which surpassed every expectation I had and proved that a good remake can be done. 

It's worth sitting through the bad ones to find that little gem.

'Poltergeist' is the latest remake fiasco and there was a tiny glimmer of potential in the opening but just when you allow yourself to give it the benefit of the doubt... 
It takes a big ghostly CGI 3D dump on what you hoped it would be.

Not being a particularity huge fan of the original, I thought the remake might be a fresh take on the horror classic (that is admittedly slightly dated now) and help bring it to a whole new audience. Unfortunately, this remake does what it says on the tin and literally just mimics the original film. It replaces all the great practical effects with a heap of bad CGI and all the bad clichés you can think of. 

My main issue with 'Poltergeist' was that, being a remake, it should have taken a modern approach to the 80's horror classic. The original film was certainly unique and new for the audience of the time because they hadn't really seen anything like it before, the clichés of today weren't clichés in 1982. In 2015, we've already seen and grown tired of all the traits that 'Poltergeist' inspired. This means for a modern team of filmmakers to remake the original, they should have known to take it in a different direction as to avoid all the clichés in these types of films. Instead, what we get are all the exact same scenes and concepts from the original film except for the fact that they're using an iPhone in the scene.

This means that the remake comes across as being behind the times, clichéd and predictable.

There's a pathetic attempt at scaring the audience with a handful of jump scares (that you've already seen in the trailer) and some cheap looking CGI that just bombs in doing what it half sets out to do. It's definitely not scary and even the jump scares aren't jumpy. 

The scariest thing about this movie is thinking about how much money was spent on it...
All $62,000,000 of it. 

The characters are hollow and bland and you just don't care about them. The young boy of the family is the only watchable one of the children and you really don't care about the daughter that gets kidnapped by the spirits which is where the drama should be.
What the hell is Sam Rockwell doing in a film like this? 
Sam Rockwell (whose body of work includes 'Green Mile', 'Moon' and 'Seven Psychopaths') is about the only watchable thing in this poor remake. He has a certain level of charm and humour as the father of this crumbling family, he's down on his luck after losing his job (but still has enough money to buy a new house apparently) and is struggling to keep it together. That's about one of the only positives I can give this film.

The plot is a carbon copy of the original with a group of characters that you don't care about. Put those dull characters alongside some bizarre paranormal investigators that are trying to be funny and it just makes you cringe. Like, really cringe. 

There's no tension or atmosphere, it's all just recycled scenes or moments that you've seen a hundred times in a hundred different movies. You always have to suspend disbelief when it comes to a lot of the horror genre and 'Poltergeist' is no different but when things become so silly that you can't even do that then what's the point?
This could have been the perfect opportunity to revitalise a horror film that influenced the genre in the 80's.

It's a cheap money grabber that is just an insult to true horror fans. It really grates on my nerves when the horror genre, and it's fans, are demeaned and cheapened. As if we'll just be satisfied with a few jump scares and a badly thrown together film made to cash in on a 30 year old movie's good reputation.

And to finish it all off, there's a whole parade of sad product placement that is just the cherry on top of this horribly messy, paranormal cake.

So... What's left?

It's a horror film that's not scary. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

It's based on a film that's over 30 years old and doesn't do (or attempt to do) anything new with it. It has a decent actor at the helm but all the Sam Rockwellness in the world couldn't save this remake.

If you're still looking for a good horror this year then you'll have to wait a little longer by the looks of it.